Discontent and alone, I sit in a world of my dreams: dream girl, dream child, house and home of my own. Working for it all is a blessing and a curse, but the feeling of loniliness and discontent is a deep rooted thing.
'Most men live lives of quiet desperation' could never be truer.
But why?
A life is a gift and the perception of how that gift is carried forth varies, never one being the same.
For those of us with the highest expectations of ourselves, there presents a difficulty grasping a true reality's perspective but only a life seen undermining the expectations set forth.
There was a time where I believed I would be something great, a smart young man with the world at its fingertips. Dreams of Entourage and the things of this world. I quote and will die quoting I thought as one of the only future college graduates of my circle that I would be their center, their Vince, their Gatsby. But I am neither successful, a movie star, or the admired of the masses. The latter having died, fictionally of course, with noone, rich and alonen to teach us the story I never learned.
But perhaps this cold winter night could be that story, that one hope to find the lost piecen of my heart, of my soul, of my being.
In the movies, its a timeline with an eventual climax and breakthrough. In life, its a constant roller coaster of moments, highs and lows depending on our perceptions and attitudes.
But for now I sit low, in a worker's chair, I am the help today, the helper tomorrow, the father and husband for brief hours of everyday. Thankful, and sinful.
Deep in thought, obviously, Im brought back to reality with the creaking of a door. The next guest has arrived but still my mind lies with my dreams.
This week is a break from a mundane reality of work, life's workn and sleep.
The yearly Christmas party. A time to have a little too much to drink, cause a little bit of a raucous and hopefully survive.
Last year's, unattended by myself due to mew fatherhood, was a drink induced survival of the fittest landing a former manager, who I can't say didn't deserve it, in the hospital.
This year's I assume will be a little less chaotic but with similar amounts of alcohol.
I find myself looking outside of the vows I placed, maybe looking for comfort in an outside venue not filled with such responsibilies as parenthood and aging. Younger and blonder.
I beat myself up for the thought, and dream of the day.
But again, I feel interupted by a knock, always attending to others when my soul is left unattended.
This time of year I try to fill it with cheer and christmas music and movies.
Ignoring the fact that I'm still dreaming.
Attemtping to ingore the reality happening all around me, the door suddenly swung open and ny shift was over.
The whole ride home felt more like work, dragging, and digging deeper into my thoughts. Once you swim so far down its hard to surface and even harder to gain a true reality. Ive always leaned on God and church but my crutches also include drep rooted addictions.
Bringing down the mood of the Christmas music playing in my car, I decided to take a mental upper as I rounded the corner on the street I reside.
Putting on a smile I shake off the utterly depressing thoughts of the day to see the shining face of my son, an almost 1 year old ball of joy, minus the moments of sleepiness, hungriness, and general dissatisfaction about things I can only speculate. But one thing is certain and smile and waves, literal waves, of excitement. And the love of my life, who has taken the transition from childhood to adulthood to home ownership to parenthood about as unsuccessfully as I have.
There's obvious love. But then theres the gap of mutual understanding, which may exist but is buried by the constant day to day mundane movement of tasks and clocks.
Marriage is not easy.
There's not much more to be said.
But in reality, life is not easy.
So to think that one can jump from life to marriage and gain happiness and contentment is just plain wrong.
Either way, we exchange the general pleasentries, as is so often done between any individuals. But luckily for us, today is a day off from either party placing blame on the other for some inconsequential item that one of us deems more important than our current relational mood.
Maybe a kiss is exchanged but thats avoided to avoid any rumblings and just due to each others general necessity to complete whatever task is at hand.
Well, as fate may have it, I arrived at the night my mind's eye had been waiting for. The day was spent in monotony only to be interupted by mutterings of a hopeful successful night.
I'm dying.
In between these useless and pointed words, I have a message that I'm dying from the inside out, so at that time when I'm found out maybe some day they'll understand.
